The Ex-Files: Decoding Genuine Reconciliation from Narcissistic Hoovering

I once was told that exes are like boomerangs; no matter how far you throw them, they always come back. From Carrie and Big to Jlo and Ben, revisiting and reconciling a former flame can be exhilarating, adrenaline-pumping, and ego-boosting. With reconciliation comes the potential to fulfill a hope-filled fantasy that something will change, with sunshine and rainbows waiting at the end of the road. But how can one tell the difference between a genuine desire to reconcile versus an attempt to pull a person back into a relationship through hoovering?

First, let’s empower you to recognize what hoovering is and what it might look like. Hoovering is part of the narcissistic relationship cycle, which includes idealization and seduction, devaluation, discarding, and hoovering. This cycle can happen in as little as a day. After the love bombing comes gaslighting and manipulation, which is followed by an escalation of abusive behavior or disengagement (the narcissistic person or other person leaves the relationship), then comes the vacuuming back into the narcissistic orbit. 

Hoovering is an attempt to maintain control of the relationship. What often first feels like flattery, with thoughts of “they came back because they realized how wonderful I am,” can feel very intoxicating and validating. When we look at it from another perspective, the reality is that someone had to go out, betray your trust, and abandon the relationship to see how amazing you are. You deserve more than someone novelty-seeking just because they’ve been away for a while, and you seem interested again.

If you have experienced this cycle, know you are not to blame. We often focus on “How could that person remain in that relationship!” or “They deserve what they get if they keep returning for more” instead of holding the antagonistic person accountable. This cycle demonstrates intermittent reinforcement, which is very difficult to break from. Although the bad days outnumber the good ones, the inconsistency can have you holding out for hope that this person will change. 

Remember, we can find ourselves stuck in this cycle, but just because you might be stuck doesn’t mean you’ll always be. Seeking the guidance of a trained professional and having a strong support network through friends or family can be invaluable in helping you navigate these turbulent and unpredictable times. You don't have to go through this alone. 

While hoovering is a manipulative tactic, it's essential to recognize that not all attempts to reconnect are inherently toxic. A genuine desire to reconcile and rebuild a relationship can exist but requires honest reflection, accountability, and meaningful change from both parties. So, how can you tell the difference?

A healthy reconnection starts with respect for boundaries. If your ex reaches out, they should acknowledge your time and space apart and ask permission to engage in a conversation. They won't pressure you or make demands but will let you set the pace and terms of any potential reconciliation.

Accountability is critical in a sincere attempt to reconnect. People with genuine intentions will take responsibility for their past behavior without making excuses or shifting blame. They'll be able to articulate what they've learned during your time apart and demonstrate concrete steps they've taken to address issues that led to the breakup.

Look for consistency in their words and actions. A healthy reconnection isn't built on grand gestures or promises of instant change. Instead, it's characterized by steady, reliable behavior over time. They should be willing to rebuild trust gradually, understanding that their past actions have consequences.

Notably, a genuine attempt to reconnect should prioritize your well-being. 

Your ex should express concern for how their past actions affected you and show a willingness to support your healing process, even if that means maintaining distance. They should respect your decision if you choose not to reconcile without resorting to guilt-tripping or manipulation.

Always remember, even if an ex's intentions seem genuine, you're not obligated to give them another chance. Trust your instincts, take time, and most importantly, prioritize your emotional health and growth. A genuinely healthy reconciliation can only happen when both people are ready and willing to work to build a stronger, more authentic relationship. Your well-being should always be your top priority.