Understanding Grief, Mourning, and Death: A Therapist’s Version.
This week, many of us will say hello to grief, a feeling that most don't want to get to know all too well. Ahead of Taylor Swift's much anticipated The Tortured Poets Department, here are some thoughts on grief, mourning, and death that might offer you comfort, closure, and company.
Good Grief, Beautiful Mourning, and Dancing Around Death
The word grief derives from the Latin word gravare, which means "to make heavy." When grief strikes, it can feel like an invisible force has wrapped itself around your heart, constricting your chest and making it difficult to breathe. The heaviness of grief can make even the simplest tasks feel overwhelming, as if you're constantly carrying an extra burden that you can't put down.
Grief is the feeling of the loss, and mourning is the process of adjusting to the loss. This process is deeply personal and has no set pace or timeline. There is no right way to mourn. But there is something that we all might've gotten wrong- which is the denial of death. We dance around calling death by its name. We opt for phrases like "passed away" or "in a better place." The denial of death doesn't allow the person experiencing the loss to adjust to this new reality. When someone dies, it can seem like we were robbed of a future with them, leaving us feeling very lonely. Death cannot take away all the memories you have established with that person. Showing up for someone (and ourselves) helps allow love to re-enter and support one another, genuinely facilitating the mourning process to progress.
The Five Stages of Grief
The five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These stages can be experienced in no particular order, and not everyone will go through all five. The grieving process can also take anywhere from six months to two years.
Denial: In this stage, you may find yourself struggling to accept the reality of your loss. Experiences of numbness and disconnection often accompany denial.
Anger: Anger is a prominent stage of grief that often serves as a cover-up for more vulnerable emotions. Lean into this emotion, using as many words as possible to express their feelings.
Bargaining: During this stage, you may wonder "what if" or "if only," imagining scenarios where the loss could have been prevented. These are attempts to regain control over an overwhelming situation.
Depression: As you start to fully acknowledge the extent of your loss, feelings of sadness, emptiness, and despair may set in. Swift's playlist captures the lack of energy and hopelessness that often accompany this stage.
Acceptance: In the final stage of grief, you begin to come to terms with your loss. This is where the process of adapting to a new reality and finding ways to move forward.
Anxiety isn't mentioned in the five stages and is a common but often overlooked part of grief. A loss, unexpected or not, thrusts you into feelings of lack of control over a situation. It can invoke fear in many of us and trigger anxiety.
Can I mourn someone who is still alive?
Grief doesn't solely arise from the loss of a loved one; it can also stem from anticipated loss. Losing my first dog, Hershey, absolutely devastated me. Like other millennials, I tear up occasionally, looking at my very healthy, active, and loved dog, Jagger. The anticipation of the pain and heartbreak from his death can send me into a spiral. In these moments, I take a breath, use some grounding statements, and feel immense gratitude for the love he brings to me every day.
If someone close to us isn't sick, we must return our focus to the present moment. Reminding ourselves that "they are here now, I have time now" can be a powerful motivation to spend more quality time with them and express our love.
We might also find ourselves mourning the loss of a friendship that we outgrew, a relationship that had potential but fell flat, or the job we were laid off from unexpectedly. All of these experiences can trigger the grief and mourning process.
So, how do I shake these feelings off?
You might be asking "so how do I shake these feelings off and go back to normal?" The short answer is, you don't. Death and loss can feel like you've been robbed of the future that you deserved. It forces us to pivot and accept the reality of the situation. And remember, acceptance does not mean approval but allows us to see a path forward.
Some other things to try include:
Self Care & Empowerment: Establishing routines, seeking support from friends and family, and engaging in hobbies or physical activity to help manage anxiety and promote a sense of control.
Writing: Write daily in a grief journal, pen a letter to their loved one, or create a memory book filled with stories and reflections.
Connect after death: Creating a memory box, participating in a favorite activity or tradition, or volunteering for a cause that was important to the person who died.
Address unfinished business: Identify and work through any guilt or regrets. For instance, if you feel guilty for not being there when a loved one died, write a letter expressing your feelings and what you would have wanted to say.
What Helps:
Acknowledge the loss and say the deceased's name
Allow all emotions to be expressed without judgment
Keep a connection through objects and rituals
Seek social support from people who will listen
What Makes It Harder:
Avoiding the pain and emotions of the loss
Not having social recognition and support
Having a problematic or mixed relationship with the deceased
It's important to remember that grief is a deeply personal journey that is unique to each individual as we navigate the complex emotions that surround loss. We can gradually heal and find strength by embracing the process, seeking support, and finding meaningful ways to honor our loved ones.
About the Author
I'm Brianna, a licensed therapist and the founder of On Par Therapy NYC, a counseling practice helping ambitious women in New York, South Carolina, and Florida reduce anxiety, build confidence, and find balance.
Blending compassionate care with goal-oriented action plans, I work primarily with female executives, entrepreneurs, and grads seeking empathetic yet practical support. My specialty is nurturing resilience, emotional agility, and inner peace so you can show up as your best self both personally and professionally.
I draw upon research-backed modalities like CBT and mindfulness while customizing evidence-based insights for busy, growth-oriented women. If you feel overwhelmed juggling wellness with demanding work, relationships, or perfectionist tendencies, I provide a non-judgmental space to explore your needs.
Whether you're struggling with specific symptoms or seeking general life balance and purpose, let's chat. Reach out to info@onpartherapynyc.com to schedule a complimentary introduction call today. I'm here to help you reclaim stability, self-care, and belonging.
