Protecting Yourself from Future Faking: A Therapist's Advice on Boundaries and Trusting Your Instincts

Mar 20

If gaslighting was Merriam-Webster's word of the year in 2022, love bombing must've come in as a close second. Many of us think in labels when dating, delineating someone a "red flag" or stating that we've gotten the "ick." We are quick to shut things down or cut things off when someone has poor table manners, doesn’t share the same interests as you, or just doesn’t produce a spark (trust me, I am a "listen to your gut" girl at the end of the day). But what about future faking?

I find that no matter where you are located in the world, dating is difficult. When things start to feel like, "I'm buying that forever alone mug on Etsy," in walks "the right" person. The "where have you been all my life" person, the one your friends are probably sick of reading about in your group chat. They appear to be aligned with future goals, share that they too have a baby name list on their phone notes app, and share the same aspirations as you. As things start to progress, the initial goals you were aligned with seem to be getting pushed further and further back into the future. Time passes by, you're more invested, and you seem to have more questions than answers. Maybe your partner is right, you should be more "patient" with trusting the process. They said they’ll give couples therapy a shot, but when the consultation call is booked, they freak out and say “not right now.” This is the third time it hasn’t been “the right time.” You’ve begun questioning your own perception of reality.

Let me offer a simple truth, it is not you, it's them. If the scenario described above resonates with you, this is a classic example of future faking. So what exactly is future faking, what are the signs of future faking to look out for, and what to do if it is happening to you?

What is future faking?

Future faking is a manipulative tactic often used by narcissists and other toxic individuals to gain control over their partners. It involves making promises about the future that seem believable but have little intention of being fulfilled. Future fakers use this strategy for various reasons, such as:

To get what they want right now
To make themselves look better or avoid embarrassment
To prevent someone from leaving them or changing the relationship
Basically, they're telling you what you want to hear about the future, but they don't actually plan on making it happen.

Future faking and love bombing often go hand in hand, especially when a narcissist is involved. Love bombing is an intense display of affection and attention early in a relationship, designed to create a strong emotional bond quickly. Once the narcissist feels they have secured their partner's devotion, they may begin future faking to maintain control while avoiding genuine commitment.

They might make promises about marriage, children, or other long-term plans to keep their partner invested in the relationship, even if they have no intention of following through.

What are the signs to look out for?

While it's true that we've all overpromised and underdelivered at some point, future faking is a deliberate choice to manipulate someone or a situation. Here are some signs that you might be experiencing future faking:

Promising to go to therapy to work on themselves and improve the relationship but never actually contacting a therapist
Suggesting that you will be up for a promotion if you take on additional tasks, but when performance reviews come around, the conversation never happens
Declaring that you're the one they want to spend their life with, but when the topic of meeting the family or engagement arises, you are told you are "too demanding"

It's essential to be aware of these signs and trust your gut if something feels off in your relationship.

What to do if it is happening to you

Like gaslighting, future faking capitalizes on having your trust and cultivating self-doubt. When you love someone or are deeply invested in your workplace, it can be challenging to admit that future faking might be occurring.

I like to say that I accept the currency of actions, not words. If you begin to notice a pattern of future faking, trust yourself when something doesn't feel right. Try to view the situation from an outside perspective and ask yourself, "Is this what a safe and healthy relationship looks like?"

Consider speaking with a trusted therapist to work on rebuilding your self-trust. It's crucial to set boundaries and communicate your expectations clearly. If your partner continues to engage in future faking despite your efforts, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.

Remember, you are not too much, you are not demanding, and you deserve to have someone keep their word.

The impact of future faking on mental health

Experiencing future faking can take a significant toll on your mental health. Constantly having your hopes and expectations raised, only to be let down repeatedly, can lead to feelings of betrayal, confusion, and self-doubt. You may begin to question your own judgment and wonder if you're being too needy or unreasonable.

Over time, this emotional rollercoaster can contribute to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. You might find yourself walking on eggshells, afraid to express your needs or desires for fear of being dismissed or criticized.

It's important to recognize that these feelings are valid and that you are not to blame for your partner's manipulative behavior. Seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies.

Breaking free from future faking

If you find yourself in a relationship characterized by future faking, it's crucial to prioritize your own well-being. This may involve setting firm boundaries, communicating your expectations clearly, and being prepared to walk away if your partner is unwilling to change their behavior.

Remember that you deserve a relationship built on trust, respect, and mutual commitment. While it can be painful to let go of someone you love, staying in a relationship with a future faker will only lead to more heartache and disappointment in the long run.

As you heal from the impact of future faking, focus on rebuilding your self-trust and confidence. Surround yourself with supportive people who value and appreciate you for who you are. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, and practice self-care regularly.

About the Author

I'm Brianna, a licensed therapist and the founder of On Par Therapy NYC, a counseling practice helping ambitious women in New York and Florida reduce anxiety, build confidence, and find balance.

Blending compassionate care with goal-oriented action plans, I work primarily with female executives, entrepreneurs, and grads seeking empathetic yet practical support. My specialty is nurturing resilience, emotional agility, and inner peace so you can show up as your best self both personally and professionally.

I draw upon research-backed modalities like CBT and mindfulness while customizing evidence-based insights for busy, growth-oriented women. If you feel overwhelmed juggling wellness with demanding work, relationships, or perfectionist tendencies, I provide a non-judgmental space to explore your needs.

Whether you're struggling with specific symptoms or seeking general life balance and purpose, let's chat. Reach out to info@onpartherapynyc.com to schedule a complimentary introduction call today. I'm here to help you reclaim stability, self-care, and belonging.